Forgiven

She was my girlfriend for all of eight months.
But my tender emotional state was like an event horizon. It was so intense and inward-focused, selfish, that time itself dilated. Every week with her felt like a month. Drinking in every ounce, I consumed.

I wanted her to fall in with me, to put as much space and time between myself and the heartache of the past.
But she knew better.

When she left, I realized how far away everything else had become - and I panicked.
I blamed her and loved her at the same time. She just moved on so fast and I wasn't ready. I thought I'd been rescued only to find I was the singularity, demanding everything.

I had to choose to forgive, a year later.
Now when I say, "forgive" I'm using the definition: Deciding, or realizing, the other person no longer owes me anything. A cancelled debt
There was nothing for which she needed to apologize, but I needed to forgive. She didn't owe me anything, she was just living her life.

So, we met and I told her this.

She was nothing but gracious. I believe it was because she knew I was adrift and after I devoured what goodness she could offer, I'd only demand more. Until I could one day let my false reality collapse on itself and float freely ... untethered.

Years later I finally discovered how merciful she had been to not try and rescue me.